Laura Goes Rawr

Okay, I’m following some advice from a book I was reading today (The Magic of Thinking Big by David Schwartz), which says to dedicate 30 minutes to “alone time” & thinking. This is definitely study procrastination, but I feel like I have a lot of things to say as well, so here goes. The idea is that 30 minutes every day will allow me personal introspection (something which I value) & that doing it here with you guys will allow me to share it for feedback. That & it gives me a chance to open up a bit more, something I struggle with in general.

There are three things I want to focus on this time round: relationships, social networking & work.

One. Let’s start with work. I love, absolutely love my job. It is the best job I could ever have, at least right now. Well, actually I have a couple of jobs and I love each one equally. One is in retail, which gives me a great grasp of sales and how to handle a business. The second grants me the opportunity to interact with a wide student body and authorities, to organise and represent a big company at university. The third, though, is the one I refer to when I say I have the best job ever. It’s directly related to my future career and it brings me a lot of joy. I think it’s important to branch out a bit during uni as well, hence the retail, but the latter - this is where I shine. The only thing is, I want to come out of my shell a bit. I want more responsibility, I want to make more of a change and I want to learn more. This is all up to me, I just have to ask. Every time I engage at work I am rewarded, I’ve just been a bit of a wuss about it lately. But this weekend. This is it, I’ll do it.

Two. I’m a turtle. Awkward and I like my shell a bit too much sometimes. I know it and really, most of the time I appreciate my awkwardness. But there are those moments when I just want to come out a bit more. I’m really glad I have a close friend that I dissect this with on a fortnightly basis. We always have great stories to tell each other about worthwhile social interactions and what we’re doing to develop ourselves personally. It’s probably something I’ll always need to work on a bit. All in the mindset, really. When I’m confident and bothered to invest in a social exchange I can do it and it works. It’s the introvert in me that stops me from bothering on occasion & I can’t entirely say that’s a bad thing. I love being an introvert. I just want to maximise my oppportunities and for that, this turtle needs to shed a bit of skin.

Three. The big one. Right now, I think it’s the only thing that I feel uncertain about. I used to think that was a bad thing but I don’t anymore. It’s okay not to have everything set out. It’s okay to feel uncertain about something, whether it be your job and career or your family or your relationship. It’s what you do with that uncertainty that makes a difference. Do I love him? I don’t know. It’s been three very long, hard years. But the funny thing? Or maybe it’s not so funny really. Because I wouldn’t take back a single moment. It was all so entirely worth it and the most enriching experience of my life that I can’t regret it at all. He’s been my biggest teacher - in patience, communication, physical affection, personal development, gaming, how to drive a car, how to buy a car… and you know what? His words, I’ve got your back. Because he does. Admittedly, sometimes he has a down day or goes through a tough spot. It’s at those times that I’ve got to be the rock and have his back. I’m glad that we can lean on each other that way, because when we stand on our own, we stand so incredibly tall.

I don’t know where this relationship is headed. I see where he’s coming from when he tells me to stop worrying about the past and the future, to just live in the now. Because let’s be honest - when I think about the future, that’s what scares me. I don’t want to think about getting married and commitment. I also don’t want to think about the muddy times that we went through, even though without them we wouldn’t be as strong as we are now. I want to think about now, about being 21. When I was 18 he was there for me; in a different way because I was 18 and young. Now I’m 21, and still young, and he’s still there for me. The relationship has changed because we’re both growing and if we stayed together beyond today, I have no doubt it will keep on changing and growing.

He believes that there is no reason for us to end this relationship if we both want it to keep going and we’re both willing to try. There’s always going to be hiccups and things to work on. He’s right. He inspires me to be a better person (although I have to say, I’m pretty awesome right now too hur hur), he inspires me about the things we can accomplish together.

We’re taking it slow so that we don’t get hung up on the things that happened in the past or leap too far in that we smother each other (also a problem of the past). I like it, this treading softly, not wading in too far deep before we know the ground’s solid where we stand. Setting the right foundation.

There was a song I was listening to today:

Sometimes I love you. Sometimes I don’t. But I never ever, never want to let you go. The road’s not easy. But the feelings strong. It’s the little things that keep me holding on.

It resonates strongly with me at the moment because I’m not sure if I love him. At least, not the same way as before. And I wonder sometimes if he can give me the love I want - but I know what that is, that’s my insecurities talking. I know that if I’m strong and get slash keep my act together, he can. It’s the same the other way, of course; he knows to keep me and to be able to give me what I want, he needs to remain that confident, sweet guy who can stand on his own two feet.

You know what? Even though we’re going slow at the moment, I know one hundred and sixty gazillion percent that things will work out right.